Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
