I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
