The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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