Pregnant stripper...not hot.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
