Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
