I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
