Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Randomize
