What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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