I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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