she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
