i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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