She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Still dying that you shit outside
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
