I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
