Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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