She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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