why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
