you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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