U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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