my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
