there's paper in my vomit.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
