He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
