the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize