LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
