Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
