I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
