The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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