When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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