peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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