Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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