I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
