HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
