I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
