he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Randomize
