My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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