I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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