Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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