Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
