Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
