somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
be right there i have to get my cape
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
