I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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