I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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