Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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