I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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