I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
