So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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