just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
