Yo dont text me then not text me
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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