I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
