I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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