y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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