Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
