I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
