He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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