i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
