There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
