While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
