i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
