he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
