I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
